Expert from the “John is Fucking Crazy” File #31

American consumer culture depresses me to no-end. I know I’m a helpless participant, and even though I strive to be more rational with any purchases I’m dreadfully caught up in buying things… Most of the time I’m OK with that. I figure that as long as I’m AWARE that what I’m doing is destructive and possibly killing child-laborers in Honduras then I’m better-off than most people. But there are some places where the crushing quilt or fear or anxiety is really just too much for me. One of the biggest offenders isn’t the Mall as one would expect, but rather the toilet paper aisle of Target. My mind recoils in Lovecraftian horror every time I venture there, it just cannot comprehend the towering piles of packages adorned with babies and cartoon ladies and soft baby chickens. How can there be SO many different brands? How can it be so expensive? There was a package of TP that worked out to over $2 per roll! Do you realize what you are going to DO with that? YOU ARE GOING TO WIPE YOUR ASS WITH IT, and then flush it out to sea. Sometimes I wish that these products were just issues to us by the state. That way I wouldn’t have to waste 5 minutes of my life trying to decide what brand of paper I’m going to wipe my ass with. The tooth-care aisle gives me similar feelings. There must be no less than 10 or 20 BILLION permutations of toothbrushes available to purchase in every conceivable color, bristle configuration, handle shape, and magical plaque-busting enchantments. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE A GOD DAMNED TOOTH BRUSH? It really freaks me out.